Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal