A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Breaking news:
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!