*me flirting
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.