Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”