A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
(by @ZachWeiner )
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.