[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today