As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls