I feel like one of these would kill a European
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My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.