There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses