Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
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OH. COME. ON.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I just tested negative for patience.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.