girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
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Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.