Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds