*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
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Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The answer is funnier than the question
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist