Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
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I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys