90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
A new level of troll.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Muppet Screams
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.