I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Mood.. 😂
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*