Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
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(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I’ve had worse
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.