had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Great game to play with friends
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Why soy sad?
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
A ghost story
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.