Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
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“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin