Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?