Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
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My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.