if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Green is just blue that someone peed in