I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.