Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
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In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
🙋♀️
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I put the hot in psychotic.