Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
You Might Also Like
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
🤣🤣🤣
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I see your IQ test came back negative
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Death certificates are our last participation award.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.