I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
#parenting
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.