There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me :
All Day At Night
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Challenge accepted.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules