Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
You Might Also Like
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.