Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.