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[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
This could be us… but you playing
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.