there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
john wicks are toilet candles
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: