Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
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Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men