Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
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Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The Backseat Boys
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me