When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I need a headline like this
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.