My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
You Might Also Like
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.