Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
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Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?