When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
You Might Also Like
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad