NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.