I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.