I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.