20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
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A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.