They got Raph!
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The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
This could be us, but you weedin’.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head