Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
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Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅