So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.