My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time