Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
You Might Also Like
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.