Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
some Old Testament wisdom
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop