MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
You Might Also Like
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please