They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
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14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
The struggle is real.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
(by @ZachWeiner )
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.