you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
the three branches of government
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”